June 26, 2010

So. Freaking. Bored. Out. Of. My. Mind.

Let's see. Today.

Came back from one of my best friend's house. Had a lot of fun.

Ate lunch after taking a shower.

Sitting at a computer, not knowing what to do.

Thinking about reading.... probably will.

Sleeping at another friend's house tonight.

And that's basically how exciting my life will get today.

June 25, 2010

I'm so upset. But, I am better than before.
It only makes this worse that it happened in the past, it's happening now, and it'll most likely happen in the future.
I'm guessing it's because I'm a middle child.

I am being... ignored. Forgotten. I've never felt so lonely in the past few days.
It's always about the younger, or older, sibling. They get all the freaking attention. It just bugs me. She acts like I don't care, like I'm not even living in this house. And I'm sick of it. It's been all this week. Even when I've BEEN home, not out with friends, she acts like a bitch. Maybe it's PMS, maybe it's mid-life crisis, maybe it's because I'm acting like a brat and I just don't realize it. But honestly, I think I've been acting the same for the past... MONTHS.
Always following the rules, being a good child.
I just don't know.

Sometimes I wish I could just run away or be gone. Only to see the reaction on peoples' faces. Would I be missed? Probably. Some more than others. But the ones who I would miss terribly, the ones who have no interest in me, what would they be like?

June 21, 2010

I can't take this anymore.

Life just needs to stop.

So many freaking problems. No solutions.

The same things, every day. The same thoughts, the same physical issues, EVERYTHING.

Nothing is perfect. I know that.

But, in my mind, peoples' lives are certainly more perfect than others.

I whole shit load better than mine.

I don't know what she's talking about, whether it's me, or someone else. Who says I don't care? I do. I freaking do. And I don't know what to do.

I can't trust people. I've made that decision. People aren't ever really there. They say they will be. They aren't. I know it. Because when you need them, they say, "Oh. Sorry." Or something stupid, that I honestly don't want to hear.

There's nothing I can do.

My mind has been like this too long, and it won't change now.

It especially doesn't help that my "ex-crush" is dating some freaking bitch that I hate.

So, yeah, it's obvious I still like him. But still. It doesn't help having more of this dumped on me, drowning me in this sadness.

I'm hopeless.

No matter how much I write, how hard I push myself to stop thinking about "happy-ever-afters", no matter WHAT I DO, I'll always be like this.

Wishing for the past to come back.

Wishing everything was just perfect for me.

Well, you know what, my fucked up mind?

It. Won't. Happen.

And, life?

I'm prepared for your sorrow to pour on me. I've been dealing with it for how long now? Months. So I'm ready. I'll deal with it. Since it's basically impossible for me to be 100% happy any time soon. I'll suck it up. No, I've already sucked it up. I'll just continue.

Even music and running doesn't calm me.

Look at how much I'm flipping out now.

Seems the only time I'm actually somewhat relieved is when I run, with music blasting through my ears. I can focus on the lyrics and their meaning, while my legs take me away from home; away from the place that brings back so many memories.

Too bad it doesn't last.

Sorry for all of this... venting. I just need to get it out. Let it be known, that some 13 year old is suffering. Suffering with her own thoughts. With her reality.

June 17, 2010

Some people just really piss me off.

Some people just need to look beyond perfection.

Some people just need to let things slide.

Some people just really make me angry.

Some people just need to go die in a hole.

God. Some people just make me want to cry.

Maybe it's the mood I'm in. But I just want to scream.

June 15, 2010

Long time, no post.

I apologize.

I haven't had the time to write, nor did I have anything to write about.

But I suppose I could tell you a bit about my life now.

Summer Music School started, and I'm enjoying it so far. I really like Actor's Lab. It's a class with few people, and it's all about acting. It's fun.

Tap and Jazz are really easy for me, but I know the instructor likes me because I know what I'm doing. It's also a good feeling, knowing other people are looking at you when they need help.

Vocal 2 is pretty sweet. The teacher is hilarious and really nice. The only nerve-racking thing about that class is that we have to sing either a solo or duet by the end of the 3 weeks. I'm pretty sure I'll be singing a duet with one of my friends, and as far as I know, we want to sing "Drops of Jupiter" by Train. Great song. I love it. And I'm glad I'll be singing it.

It's my first period class that sucks. It's all about rhythm. I'm pretty sure if anyone signed up for Summer MUSIC School, they'd know about rhythm. It's torture. And the lady really irritates me. She treats us like 5 year olds. And she CANNOT sing. Ugh. It's painful. And pitiful.

But I can look beyond that.

I'm pretty.... psyched right now. I just got back from a run. My determination is definitely helping. I'm proud. So far. I'm exhausted, and dizzy, but I'm so glad I'm doing it. And I did crunches and a bunch of jumping jacks today. I feel great.

This summer has started out on a good note.

June 5, 2010

Life is honestly great right now.

My best friend has her first boyfriend.

Everyone seems to be getting along now. (Yes, even me and my "ex.")

School is almost out.

Summer is practically here.

That means:

-Summer Music School. I get to see people who I haven't seen for months. And I'll be with a lot of my friends. And of course... MUSIC!

-I get to do whatever I want, when I want. (Such as reading, writing, hanging with the pack, etc.)

These things AS WELL AS...

My brother graduating. Graduation party is today, and I'm excited to see all the people. I know they'll be proud of him. The adults, at least. The kids will be crazy. But oh well. It'll be fun. I'm looking forward to it.

Only bad thing- Jordan.

He's obsessed. He can't ask me out. But... I don't think I'll be able to stop that. I don't like him, at all, but he.... likes me a little too much. I'm afraid to break his heart, leaving him with that memory throughout the summer. But maybe it'll be okay. It's better we just stay friends.

Thank you, Libby and Bob, for helping out with THAT.

This isn't going to affect me, though. I'm just glad all of this drama is over. Well, almost.

Back to the point.

Life, I wish you would stay like this. Happy. At least I'm here right now.

June 1, 2010

Summer 2010.

I'm thinking it will be among the greatest.

First off, things to look forward to:

~Swimming

~Hanging with friends

~Summer Music School

~Reading whenever and whatever I want

~SLEEP

~No drama

~Time to write

~A sexy body

Oh, yes. You read correctly.

I am determined.

I will not fail.

I will run daily, I will do crunches and pushups. I will eat healthy meals/food.

I will lose weight and gain muscle.

That's my goal of summer '10.

I'm psyched.

I'll be going into 8th grade as a strong, muscular, in-shaped nerd.

I'll completely start over. No more drama. No more wishing for him back. (Hopefully.)

It will be a new beginning, with a HAPPY ending.

And I absolutely cannot wait.

Scene in my head. Story chapter?

I was running.

My heart was racing with suspense and exhaustion.

But I couldn't stop. I was about to get killed.

Since when was our neighbor a murderer?

I simply asked to borrow a bowl for my brother's graduation party.

And, yet, instead of a bowl, he grabs a knife.

Tells me he was waiting.

Waiting for his chance to kill somebody.

But why me?

Oh, my God. He's getting closer. I'm sprinting now, but not home.

Why am I running AWAY from home?

I don't even know what to think.

I look back.

He's practically on my feet.

I'm trying to scream, but no noise is coming out.

I try again. Nothing.

It's been, what, 20 minutes since I left my house? Shouldn't my parents be worried? He lives, like, 30 seconds away. But no. My parents don't give a crap. It's about my brother. Just like always. Maybe I can use this running as a way to let go all of my frustrations.

Let go of them before I die.

Before I know it, I'm crying. Bawling.

And I can't breathe.

But.... I'm speeding up.

I'm flying.

So quickly, I've lost sight of him.

I'm turning everywhere I can, flying like never before.

He's gone.

So I go home.

"Hey, honey. Did you get the bowl? Why are you out of breath?" my mom asks.

"They were all dirty. And don't worry about it," I replied.

She just nods her head.

Shouldn't parents be at least a little more concerned?

Not this one.

Like I said, it's all about my brother.

At least I'm safe. For now.

Sometimes, I hate my life.

My first "story." At least one I could add on to.

It's just an idea.