Life just needs to stop.
So many freaking problems. No solutions.
The same things, every day. The same thoughts, the same physical issues, EVERYTHING.
Nothing is perfect. I know that.
But, in my mind, peoples' lives are certainly more perfect than others.
I whole shit load better than mine.
I don't know what she's talking about, whether it's me, or someone else. Who says I don't care? I do. I freaking do. And I don't know what to do.
I can't trust people. I've made that decision. People aren't ever really there. They say they will be. They aren't. I know it. Because when you need them, they say, "Oh. Sorry." Or something stupid, that I honestly don't want to hear.
There's nothing I can do.
My mind has been like this too long, and it won't change now.
It especially doesn't help that my "ex-crush" is dating some freaking bitch that I hate.
So, yeah, it's obvious I still like him. But still. It doesn't help having more of this dumped on me, drowning me in this sadness.
I'm hopeless.
No matter how much I write, how hard I push myself to stop thinking about "happy-ever-afters", no matter WHAT I DO, I'll always be like this.
Wishing for the past to come back.
Wishing everything was just perfect for me.
Well, you know what, my fucked up mind?
It. Won't. Happen.
And, life?
I'm prepared for your sorrow to pour on me. I've been dealing with it for how long now? Months. So I'm ready. I'll deal with it. Since it's basically impossible for me to be 100% happy any time soon. I'll suck it up. No, I've already sucked it up. I'll just continue.
Even music and running doesn't calm me.
Look at how much I'm flipping out now.
Seems the only time I'm actually somewhat relieved is when I run, with music blasting through my ears. I can focus on the lyrics and their meaning, while my legs take me away from home; away from the place that brings back so many memories.
Too bad it doesn't last.
Sorry for all of this... venting. I just need to get it out. Let it be known, that some 13 year old is suffering. Suffering with her own thoughts. With her reality.
And it makes me so mad that once I get mad at someone, you think your life is so fucked up.
ReplyDeleteIt makes me so mad that YOU think you're invisible.
It makes me so mad that it's like you haven't read a single word I've written, that you think you're alone, that you thought I was talking about you, when you were right there beside me, getting mad at the same people, but it doesn't matter.
And you SHOWED ALL OF THEM?
YOU, of all people, should at least understand that we writers vent out all the madness into one thing, and yet you didn't. You SHOWED them.
When we weren't invited, might I add.
And I was, again, the bad guy, with no one understanding, not even you, megan.
'Cause your life is too messed up for sympathy these days, because you have these love problems at age 13.
I get it.
But since when has it been him again? You like so many people, and so many people like you, that it just gets confusing.
And, jesus, I'M THERE.
Since when have you been alone, invisible?
You...I can't even describe it.
So many people love you.
You're forgetting that.
"A whole shit load better than mine."
Reffering to me, right?
Right.
Because you know.
Of course you know how my life is.
Of course it's fucking easy. That's why I get so mad easily, that's why I'm so anti-social, that's why people at school (you don't hear everything) are so cruel, that's why we never come to my house, that's why I write all this shit, that's why all I want to wear is black, that's why I did something I shouldn't have and it made me feel good, and I ONLY told you, that's why I'm so fucking cynical, and yes, I'm sure you're right.
My life is so easy compared to yours, isn't it.
I am so, so sorry, Megan.
ReplyDeleteSo, so sorry.
I'm a bitch.
I don't even know what to say. I wrote this after I read yours, I was confused. And then we talk about it with the whole pack, thinking it's okay now, and I go home and read this.
ReplyDeleteI'm just confused. Again. I seriously don't know who to trust anymore. And I'm sorry. Really. I... don't know why I showed them. I won't ever again. I won't show them this, I won't show them anything. I should've known better.
I'll keep my mouth shut. For. Freaking. Forever.
It'd probably make things better. No. It will.
I'm sorry.
On the bright side, I think The Pack is all better. I think we fixed our problems.
Yeah, I just thought you should've known it wasn't about you at all.
ReplyDeleteI mean, it was pretty obvious.
And I think we all have trust issues.
Which is why I keep everything to myself.
Except on blogger.
Which pretty much means that I trust you.
And now Ian has it.
Great.
But it's okay.
He says anything about what's on here to anyone, to me, I'll break him.
Same goes for you.
But I guess if you guys say anything that goes on here, it will break me more.
But I can try.
Oh, and when we talked it out with the pack, I ended up stopping. I didn't talk anymore.
Because it would have started another thing, and Lexie and I would have been the bad guys.
I was still mad at stupid things, and I'm a bitch for that.
But whatever.
Okay.
ReplyDeleteI'll keep my mouth shut. No breaking will be necessary.
I PROMISE.
And I'm not going to break this one.