Save tomorrow.

I can't follow you there.

Just close your eyes

and sing for me.

I will hear you.

Always near you.

And I'll give you the words,

just sing for me.

You are the only thing in life that I got right.

Yellowcard, I absolutely love you.

Hard work really does pay off.

For the first time in my 8 years of swimming, I'm not only going to districts, I'm going to states.

States.

At State College with thousands of people.

I remember you saying at the beginning of the season, "I think this relay team can qualify for districts, and place at states. I really do."

I doubted it so much. But I remember thinking inside, man, I really hope we do.

And look where I'm standing now.

The top 9 go on, and we placed 10th. I was bummed, but let it go. Thought, oh, it doesn't matter if we don't go.

But then that relay team got disqualified.

"You guys are going. Go get your awards!"

Don't assume things too quickly. Don't jump to conclusions right away.

Don't stop believing.

A painless 'hello.'

It was just something so simple.

You glanced, looked away, and immediately faced me again.

Smiled.

"Hey"

With the little wave thing.

I'm not sure why I can't stop thinking about it. I haven't talked to you in years, and you would probably be the last person I'd think to talk to.

It's dumb, really. That I keep thinking this over.

But I'm impressed.

Maybe the world isn't such a rude place, after all.

Wow. I love how I support you in so many miscellaneous activities, yet when I qualify for districts, you don't want to come. At. All.

I went to your cross country meets. I cheered for you at basketball games. And when you shot 6 points in that one game, you didn't realize how proud I was of you. That you were my brother. You live for that sport, and you finally accomplished your goal. I gave you a hug.

I suffered through your baseball games.

I suffered through your freezing cold soccer games at 9 IN THE MORNING.

And when you were at the Y that one day, playing basketball with your friends during one of my swim meets, you couldn't even watch me swim for 30 seconds.

And now you've decided to not come to districts either, even though you know it means so much to me.

You worked hard for your dream, and I was there to watch it.

I worked even harder for mine, yet you don't have any desire to watch me live it.

You don't realize how disappointed I am in you.

I'm running out of things to say.

Well, maybe not running out, but all of my thoughts are collecting up in my brain and by the time I have a chance to write them down, I draw a blank.

I'm starting to wonder if that's okay.

Maybe it's okay if I keep my thoughts to myself.

I don't need to have the whole world read it.

Was I writing to impress?

No, I was writing for myself.

And I still want to.

But it won't be as often.

I think the same things over and over.

I need a change of perspective.

Then maybe things will change.

I think last night was the first night in 9 years that I've thrown up.

Ugh.

It makes me think how terribly some kids live now a days. The ones with cancer or diseases, who can't help themselves, they just go on day by day like it's normal. Puking their guts out everyday. I can't imagine living like that.

They'll never share the experience of being healthy.

It gets me every time.

I'm currently reading Message in a Bottle by Nicholas Sparks.

I want to go to the beach, write a meaningful letter, place it in a bottle, and throw it into the ocean. From there, I want someone to find it. I want that person to keep it. I want them to keep it a secret and keep it to themselves. I want them to read it when they need inspiration. I want to somehow altar their life, even though I haven't met them.

Something along those lines.

I need a thrill in this life.

Maybe I could even send an anonymous letter. Put it in a random person's locker at school.

I just need to do something that'll make me feel nervous.

It'd be okay if I was the person who found a random letter. Who received something in my locker. In the mail. Anything.

I need a thrill.

Something to light up this dull, everyday-routine life I've been living for the past 5 months.

The 1st thing I've gotten angry about this year.

You don't realize that the little, obnoxious things you do affect me so much.

You came in my room while I was reading, saying that you were going to leave for his basketball game, and you get off topic talking about things I really don't want to here about. So I simply said "Okay, go on..." and you reply saying "You know what? Never mind. It doesn't matter. See you later."

I didn't do anything wrong. I wanted to know when you were coming back, but no, it doesn't matter.

What you don't know is as soon as you left I started to cry. I'm crying as I write this.

I don't get why you always get mad at me for those kinds of things.

What about Jason and Ryan? They say worse things. And what do you do? Nothing. You just go with it like it's okay.

It's always about them. Always.

You won't be home all day because of Jason. First he has a basketball game, then you're both taking him to one with a friend. How come I never have that option? Why am I always the one left home alone?

And Ryan. He was in Quebec this past week, and every day I swear you said "Ryan hasn't let me know how's he doing today." or "I wonder what Ryan's doing right now?" Well, you know, I honestly don't care, because I'm sure he's fine. And I can guarantee you've never done that for me before. I can guarantee it.

The biggest thing that pisses me off is that if YOU did this, I'd be fine. I wouldn't let it bother me. I wouldn't flip out on you. But, oh, if I say the slightest little thing in a calm voice, you get all mad and are all rude. Oh my God. OH my GOD. Nobody understands how much that bothers me. Far too many people are like that. I feel like I need to shoot someone whenever they're like that.

Anyway.

Well, you know what, bitch?

I'm glad I'm home alone.

I don't want to be around you.

I look forward to being alone. I like it. No one bothering me. No one in this freaking family to bug the freaking crap out of me, again, just like every day.

You don't know who I am.

You don't know what I think.

You don't know that I look forward to school because I'm around people who I actually enjoy being with.

I'd rather be with my freaking reading teacher than you.

I'm going back to my "not talking much around my family" stage.

I have a lot of things to say.

But you don't care. And you never will. So why try?

I'm going to go play the piano. I'm going to play "I Dreamed a Dream" from Les Miserables and freaking sing my heart out. I am going to get washed away in the music, and even though I can't play the ending, I'm going to try, and my anger will wither away. And I'll move on.

Just like my last post.

Forgive and Forget.

I'm going to make a change.

My first post of the new year.

I want it to be different.

I want to go through it forgiving and forgetting.

I beat myself so hard last year, over the dumbest thing. I'm not going back. I'm not going to regret anything I do this year. When I look back, I'm going to focus on the good things. The moments that made me smile and the people that made me happy. I'm going to look forward, simply because that's where my future is headed.

I want to discover new things this year, too. I don't care what it is. I want to find new hobbies. I'm not quite sure what it will be yet, but my time will come. And when it does, I'm hoping I'll shine. I'm hoping my new interest will make me stand out in the light, even if only to a few people.

I want to continue the optimism. I think it'll improve my attitude, and if I try hard enough, it might altar some others too.

I want to say things that will make people think.

I want to provoke someone's mind.

I've read enough quotes and I've read enough books. I'm sure I can come up with something.

This year, I'm going to have more determination. I'll push myself harder than usual. And if I stay determined, my perseverance will lead me down roads I've always imagined. Things will be better. I'll be proud of myself. It'll boost my self confidence.

So, my New Year's Resolution?

If I do what I say, staying determined and not giving up...

I will read 100 books this year, rather than the 57 I read last year.