Dream--May 30, 2010

I was happy.

We were together again; hugging, smiling, laughing.

Everything seemed to be right with the world.

He told me he still liked me, and that he wanted us to be together again.

I said the same.

And there we were.

Two young lovers without a care in the world.

And then I woke up, and realized it wasn't true.

I'm back to this hopeless world, where everything is all screwed up.

My heart collapsed as soon as I woke up.

No text from him, no hopes to see him later today. No knowledge that he loves me.

Because he doesn't.

"A dream is a wish your heart makes."

I'm hoping it'll come true.

May 29, 2010

I just want to know that someone is there. Someone who I love. Someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with.

I just want somebody.

To cuddle with, to lay with.

To hug, to kiss.

To love, to laugh.

Last night, as I looked up at the stars, I needed him. Desperately. This anonymous "somebody" needed to be there. I was close to tears. I had my friends, but I wanted to be on that trampoline, looking at the sky, late at night, a campfire by our side, with us holding each other. I wanted him to stroke my cheek with his gentle hand, slowly coming in to plant a light kiss on my lips. I wanted the wind to blow, just pulling us closer, as we shared body heat.

So many wants. I need the things I'm thankful for.

A great weekend. So far.

Great friends, great experiences, great memories.

And even better, friends who dream of the same things. Who wish for the same feeling.

It's good to know some people are on my side.

Daydream.

We were 2 houses away. She was still walking, but I couldn't go any further. I was too nervous. Ex-boyfriend and all. How could I risk it?

He knew we were there, but he wanted us to go away.

Or maybe not.

He was running. No, not running; sprinting out of his house. His parents were probably wondering what the hell was going on. I sure was.

Our eyes met. He was still coming towards me, and before I know it, he takes my hands. Still looking directly in my eyes.

"I want you. I need you. I miss you. I love you."

Then he grabbed my face, and kissed me. Kissed me so hard, so fiercely, and I kissed him back. I didn't care if my best friend was right there, staring.

When he finally let go, he was just standing there. Realizing that he just made my day. For the first time in a month and a half.

See what happens when you read too many romance novels?

Take the step.

I have an answer.

All those tears that were welled up inside of me yesterday, and I didn't know where they were coming from, or what they'd be for, I finally know.

Confirmation.

May 23, 2010.

I am loved. I am important.

Who needs the drama if you know you actually mean something to someone who matters?

I am Loved.

I am Unique.

I will be Called when the Spirit needs me.

I will be one of the Kingdom's people.

I am full of LUCK.

Coincidences happen.

Last night, as I read those posts on givesmehope.com, those tears welled up inside of me. I realized today why.

I need to be one of the kingdom's people.

I need to be a good person.

I want to make someone's day, I want to witness people doing good deeds.

I want to learn from mistakes others have made, I want to make mistakes others learn from.

I want to see volunteering.

I want to see good citizenship.

I want to see faith in those around me.

I want to see small things that made a difference. I want to see hope.

As the minister put his gentle hand on my head, and my family placing their hands on my shoulders, I had goosebumps.

It really means something..

And as the choir sang a song about how important we are, welcoming us into the church, with a couple making eye contact with me, I cried. I tried to hide it, but the tears were still there.

The tears of happiness. The tears of hope.

I want to go out there and encourage people to do the same. I want to share the experience that words can't describe.

I am blessed. I can make a difference.

Inspire me.

May 22, 2010

From what I've learned, things get worse before they get better. In times like these, I'm hoping it's still true.
From my perspective, when you look at the world negatively, negative is what you get. All these rainy days? Depressing.
Reminding me of the greatest memories, making me realize they won't happen again.
For a while, at least. They'll just never be the same.
He's obviously not listening.
He obviously doesn't care.
So why even try?
Apparently, friendship it too difficult for him. Conversations take too much energy. Listening to better solutions take too much focus.
So why does it matter?
Because he acts like it isn't happening.
Acts like it doesn't bother him, or me.
They've tried.
They've tried to toughen him up, tried to make him listen. But he just doesn't.
"The less you talk, the more you get listened to."
Maybe if they stop talking to him, stop provoking him, maybe he'll consider talking. Maybe he'll consider us being friends.
I just don't know what to do. I'm clueless. Again.
There has to be a solution out there somewhere, but I'm getting to the point where I need to stop believing there is a happy ending.
This is reality.
This isn't a book, this isn't a movie.
This is reality.
One person can't make everyone happy.
But maybe that one person can step out, break this prison cell she feels she's in, and stand for what she believes in. Maybe it's time I raise my voice and state my opinion. I can't make other people fix my problems for me. I need to do this.
But I can't.
I'm too weak. I don't have the courage to go up to him and tell him what's right. To tell him he needs to grow up. To tell him that all this crap he's been putting me through is making me fall in love all over again. Falling in love with the same jerk, the same sweetheart, as before.
But would that make a difference?
Would I really get him back?
If he can't listen to his friends, why the hell would he listen to me?
He wouldn't. Or would he?
I'll never know.
Sigh.
So, I sit here, waiting for someone.
Waiting for someone to come into my life, to make me realize why it never worked out with anybody else.
I imagine. I dream. I wish.
Every star in the sky, every time 11:11 hits the clock, I wish.
I don't know if someone's out there, I don't know if my time will ever come.
All I need to do is believe.
Believe that there's still fate within me.
Believe that I'll be happy again sometime soon.
Believe that there's someone out there.
Believe that I have a destiny.
Believe that I will overcome this misery.
If it's not happy, it's not the end.
Maybe there's hope.

May 19, 2010

Daydreams. Oh, daydreams. The things they do.

I want him. I want Mr. Perfect. The one who will hold me, love me, help me, spoil me. The one who will let me cry on his shoulder whenever I need it.

I want to fall in love.

13 years of age, and wishing for love.

At least to experience it.

Something like a story... all the romance... all the love.

Do you ever wish you were older? 30 years. By then, you've most likely gotten married and had kids. Experienced love.

I'm not wishing my life away, but for one day, just one day, I want to live it. To know what it feels like to have a soulmate, there for you, whenever, FOREVER.

Or even that first kiss.

Whether it's expected or totally uncalled for, I just want it to happen. Some say I'm too young. Some say it should've already happened. I'm just making a wish that my year will come rather soon. My year of romance. My year of fiction. My year of meaning, of memories, of experiences.

Boys. They take over our life, I swear.

And when you picture this with who you think is "Mr. Perfect" at the time, you build so much up... and, right before your eyes, it falls. You get your hopes up for nothing. So many chances you had right in front of you... and letting them, seeing them, go.

Or, it could go the opposite direction, and lead to something amazing. Something worth your thoughts, tears, whatever suits you.

Just take the chances.

If you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you don't step forward, you're always in the same place.

Don't worry about moving slowly. Worry about standing still.

You never know until you try.

Talent?

I have found my hidden talent.

Well, not talent, exactly. But you know.

Another one of those hobbies you just can't live without.

Singing.

"You Raise Me Up."

I.... sang loudly. I raised my voice. I sang with all force, making the best of my ability. Who cares if I was on pitch, who cares if people were staring. My confidence was boosted, and I sang.

Those little comments from the teacher, like "strong vocals" or "nice air" just... I don't even know. It helped. So much.

"To practice any art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow. So do it."

--Kurt Vonnegrate.

Singing. Period.

May 17, 2010

We kept riding.
The skies had been raining down on us, but we had kept riding.
Let me start from the beginning.
From the start, things were great. Ever since I woke up this morning. This was probably the best rainy day I'd ever encountered.

I've never talked to someone this much at one time. I've never talked about those personal questions, such as what you believe in with the quality of life, to someone. I expressed my feelings; got everything off my chest.

And, still, the rain poured.
The cool drops, the slight breeze. Sure, it was a little chilly. But did that stop us?
Not at all.
We kept riding, talking about the greatest things.
Even the boy.
Truth be told, I believe I am over him. Maybe it was talking about him; maybe it was fate. Either way, I'm glad it's done. Of course, there still are those other 'ones.'
Those ones who go to different schools.
The ones who I've met maybe once or twice, but they're still there, on my heart, forever.
And as I think of these small glitches in life, I reflect on the good memories, and live the moment. Looking out at the rainy weather, I accept it, and know that the good days are coming.

"You're alive. Do something. The directive in life, the moral imperative was so uncomplicated. It could be expressed in single words, not complete sentences. It sounded like this: Look. Listen. Choose. Act."
--Barbara Hall.

I'm alive. That's all that counts.

May 15, 2010

I believe better days are on their way.
For the first time, in who knows how long, the sun shined. With a cool breeze blowing throughout the day, the occasional cloud, but basically the sun shining, it was a great day.
As I turned on some My Chemical Romance and looked out the window, sparks just burst within me. Positive thoughts raced through my mind, which almost made me forget about my screwed up love life.
Almost.
Maybe all we need is a sunny day with the greatest of friends to turn that frown upside down.
With the bike rides, the laughs, the conversations... fantastic day.
Yet, thoughts of him still took over.
Swinging on the swing in the park... last time I was on one, I wanted him to be in the empty one next to me, and I just knew he would've loved to fill the space.
Must. Stop. Thinking. Of. Great. Memories.
And although I still had that bit of sympathy, just looking at nature when it was at its' best made me feel better.
Someone must be watching over me.
'Cause this one day, this one simple day, could make all the difference.

May 14, 2010

Looks like getting over him is impossible.
He hugged her. He freaking hugged her.
Right in front of me.
And to think I thought him talking to other girls was bad. But hugging? My heart collapsed.
Those 3 months we were together will never leave my mind.
I can feel all of his actions drill a hole in my heart. And no matter what happens to help fill that hole, a scar will remain. That scar, no matter how unnoticeable or private, will always be there.
"You never forget your first love."
--The Notebook.
I'm beginning to feel true love. I didn't know it was this powerful, this strong, until it just disappeared.
That boy. That damn boy. Why? Why?
He's a jerk. Insecure. Annoying. Rude.
Or am I just saying that because I'm angry?
He's sweet. Caring. Loyal. (for the most part)
I believe he is a mixture of all of them; the compliments outweighing the insults.
Of course.
Back to the hugging.
That girl. That slut. That idiot trying to steal my.... my... nobody. But still. It should've been me.
Whenever he has any contact with any female, and I catch it, I feel like 100 pounds of misery was dumped on me. But why? For God's sake, WHY?
So many questions asked. All questions unanswered.
I'll keep searching. Searching within me.
The answer's always inside you, right?
Just gotta keep looking, and never give up.

May 8, 2010

So, he evidently hates me. According to Harry. But can I honestly believe that? I think not. Even if that one simple kid said one simple thing right when I walked by, and our eyes met for a split second, who knew it could mean the world? It shouldn't. It can't. I ended it, and I knew it was right.

At the time.

Yet, my heart belongs to someone else, and his most likely does too.

Zach. With his perfect eyes, perfect smile, perfect everything. Takes my breath away every time.

And then there's Rob. The one whose heart was broken. Because of me.

I knew it was for the better.

It had to be.

But I miss those days when he would whisper in my ear, "Elizabeth. I love you."

All those texts saying how much he missed me. The time when I wanted him in the swing, right next to me. The time when the storm was out, and I wanted him right there, holding me, protecting me, never wanting him to let go.

And trusting him not to.

He was faithful. He was disloyal.

As I was too.

Zach. Kissing me. And me letting him.

Zach. Hugging me. And me letting him.

Zach. Flirting. And me flirting back.

Me. Being the disloyal one.

Rob. Trying not to talk to other girls, for me.

Rob. Making mistakes. Promising he'd fix them. And accomplishing them.

Unlike me. I'd keep on cheating, keep breaking his heart, unaware of what I was doing. But all of that is over, and whether that is good or bad, I am not sure.

I miss him. I don't.

I miss Zach; I never see him.

I miss Rob; he talks and flirts with other girls.

Why must this bother me?
Why must I be the weak one?
Questions I'm afraid I can't answer.
I've read too many books, too many quotes.
I was determined I'd get over him. Maybe it's the ones you truly love that leave you without answers.
Without solutions.
Every tear I've shed, every outburst I've given, they must have a reason.
Maybe, in the near future, there will be reason behind this. Maybe something amazing will happen, it'll clear up these cloudy days, and allow the sun to shine.
Allow the sun to show what's meant to be.
To show me that I must keep looking up, and miracles really do happen. It shall show me that reality can be a love story. That life really is a book, a perfect one, with a great ending. All these tears in the pages will turn out with something so great, so destinable, every little tear will mean nothing. And if not? I'll always have that one friend. That one person who will sit with me, in the dark, when it's impossible to look on the bright side. The one who will sit and cry with me. We all have things to cry about; all have tears to shed, words to speak, voices to hear. We'll do everything we can. Everything to make it better. And when times are tough, we'll think positive over negative, hope over fear, and destiny over change. We were given this life because we are strong enough to face it. I am too positive to be doubtful. Too optimistic to be fearful. And too determined to be defeated.
For now? I will let life go on.
I'll go with the flow. I'll let this world change, and see where it takes me. Until something happens, some twist or turn, some rising action or climax, I remain the shy girl I was.
Seems to be the only option I can rely on.
So, world? Keep turning. Keep moving.
I'm ready.